Finding the prince charming or being with the perfect woman are “crucial matters for human beings”; of course, first we have to grow up so one day love can come to our lives, that love will make us feel irrational butterflies in our stomach and in this way we’ll see our fairy tale turn into reality.

On one side, we as women with our cinderella complex looking for the perfect man; on the other, men with their neccesity of being this Adonis all women love and from which he can choose freely; of course, all of this is based on the beliefs that love can only be found in the hands of others.

When we finally meet this perfect person and we achieve the goal a lot of people haven’t; this generates in us an unconscious attachement towards the other because finally we’ve found the person that’s going to make us happy and we can’t let go of that happiness because we believe the other is responsible of it as well as I am responsible of his/hers; all of this turns us into emotional addicts.

I want you to know we all have been dependent because to understand freedom we need to know its counterpart; because our dependence is largely based on all those affective lackings we didn’t receive in early age and we built them in the form of patterns.

On many occasions I’ve mentioned current generations have had emotionally absent parents; those parents who instead of educating their children with love, preferred to hit them with the justification of giving good lessons; those parents who told their children “go play” instead of paying attention to them or maybe parents that left their children with the nanny and seeing them was almost impossible, that generated on their kids a deep abandonment wound; or those parents with overprotective instinct that originated a huge insecurity in the individuality of their children; or parents that blame their children of everything, causing the wound of rejectment on them; all those situations have led their children to create bonds with the others from places where love is the last existing thing but in reality this is because they want to find the love they didn’t receive from their parents.

If you have to destroy yourself to make your
couple happy, you are with the wrong person.

Walter Riso

Have in mind that a dependent person will always need someone who make him/her feel controlled and dominated; moreover, the controller will have someone who depends on him/her to play his/her role. This refers that both of them complement each other with the same program where affection was non-existent; on one side, there’s the dependent that no matter how s/he’s being treated, will always look for love in the most unhealthy way in his/her relationships and will attract people who will show him/her in the most painful way that love isn’t there; moreover, the dominant will need to find someone from which s/he can abuse and deposit the lack of self-love s/he feels towards her/himself; in short, the agressor depends on his/her victim and vice versa.

Like I’ve mentioned before, we all have had experiences of dependency, because being dependent doesn’t refer only to a couple, we can be dependent on our friendships, family, the food or even on our thoughts, because dependency builds a constant that’s translated in repetitive and conditioning patterns

Couple: When we’re dependents on our couple it’s because we believe s/he is responsible for our happiness and for all our emotional states; because we think our couple is the one who makes us feel sad, upset, in-love and from there, a dependent bond is made. This need of affection we try to find on them, maybe comes from the absence caused by our progenitors; therefore, we look for love in violence justifying that the other “is going to change for love”, when in reality this violence we’re living is the way we’re deciding to relate with our partner, because that behavior I see on the other is the same behavior that lives inside of me and I don’t dare to recognize it on myself for fear of being abandoned.

Family: It’s one of the key points for our psycho-emotional development but when our bonds to our relatives come from dependency we generate destructive bonds and before accepting the reality that suggests separation, we prefer to tell ourselves stories like “family is the most important thing we have, therefore we need to be together no matter how much we hurt each other”; but if we allow ourselves to observe and make acts of consciousness we’ll realize where our attachements are taking us, that’s when we’ll understand the others don’t depend on me neither I depend on them, in that way I will allow myself to be free.

Friendships: One of the most valuable things human beings experience is friendship, because friends are one of the best representative attributes of love; nonetheless, when friendships turn dependent, they become addictive and you start relating with your friends from dependency and not from freedom because in your beliefs they have to be the most loyal of friends because they’re conditioned to your attachement, therefore, if they don’t do enough for you, then they don’t love you the way you would like it to be.

Food: When one of our lackings is not being covered we look for it in the archetype of food; if in our unconscious there’s a wound of abandonment or rejectment we’ll look to fill that hole with all kind of food and in that way, we’ll feel accompanied and forget momentarily of the emptiness this absence is generating in us.

Thoughts: Our mind can be our worst enemy because it torments us with thoughts far away from the universal consciousness, the one that understands things are the way they have to be and stays in the present accepting the reality the way it is; but when our mind takes us away from that present moment it makes us travel to the past and then to the future in a millisecond and this generates within us worry, guilt, anxiety and leads us to become dependent to it and everything our mind tells us, we materialize into our truth; in that way, we live in the past or in the future and we experience life through the nonexistence.

Remember all our patterns are hold by a cause and as long as you don’t accept that cause it’ll be imposible for you to transcend this experience; it’s important that you accept you’re dependent and your relationships have been built from fear and not from equality and freedom, this has taken you to generate unconscious contracts with the other where you have complemented each other from the necessity and not from contribution.

Love’s a state of the present, is not a feeling you’ll know thanks to someone, it’s a state that comes from yourself and that’s impossible to find on the other, because the other as your best mirror s/he is, only teaches you how much you hate yourself because in your constant need of feeling loved, you’ve decided to know love through despise.

I want you to know that dependence is an emotional sickness that enslaves us in a psycological, emotional and spiritual way because generates us fear, fear to stay alone or that the other take away the love I don’t give to myself; if you realize that you’re dependent please don’t judge or reject yourself because those acts of consciousness will allow you to become responsible of yourself: because you accept that nobody will give you the love you can only give to yourself; because loving yourself is not a selfish act, is an heroic act that helps you to relationate with the others from a place of peace, harmony and respect, there’s when you understand that you don’t belong to anyone and the others don’t belong to you either, that drives you to commit the kindest act, that’s letting the others go because your growth and evolution are not thanks to them, but thanks to you.

Be free,
Shary ChavLó.