One of the most important persons in my life was my grandmother, her name was Guadalupe ’cause she was born on the day that one of the most important characters of catholicism is commemorated: the Guadalupe virgin’s day; I remember that at my grandmas house there was a kneeler in front of an enormous image of the virgin; when I went to her home, that place was always surrounded by flowers, candles, rosaries and for me that environment was something normal ‘cause I grew up through those beliefs of regret. 

I’ve always been a believer of God and the opinion that I’m going to give you related to religion is totally personal and I express it with huge respect towards you that are reading me; my beliefs towards God started when I went to elementary school, my parents decided to sign me up in a catholic school where all the students were women; often, we had obligatory religious activities; therefore, I got used to having God as a habit in my life; everything changed when I did my first communion as a required step in my religious growth; I don’t know how’s in your country or which are your customs but in Mexico before doing your communion you need to confess your sins before a priest; I remember that I was very nervous by doing the confession about how bad I had been for not obeying my parents and for the kiss I gave to a stranger at a very young age and for that, I felt an enormous guilt; when I told the priest my shameful feat he told me something that took me a lot of time to forget: “you did not only commit a sin, you went directly to hell.” When I listened to his words I felt fear, anger and contempt towards a 12 year old girl; so I ran to do my prayers and prayed to that God who in that moment became a punisher; to help me redeem the guilt I felt.

From that moment I decided to give up to any belief that forced me to believe in God; I’ve never been a person  who rebels against everyone, I consider myself someone quiet, prudent, lonely and as I grew up I stepped away as quickly as possible from that divinity; I decided to separate myself from its presence, ‘cause as many others, I also asked myself that if God really existed why there were wars, there was hunger, there was pain, there was suffering, there was remorse… but one day, life took me to the spiritual world and everything changed again. 

I consider that spirituality is poorly conceptualized ‘cause many suppose that spirituality isn’t for everyone, while religion is; it’s believed that being spiritual means giving up to the humanity that our emotional states generate in us in order to live in a state called zen; it’s believed that being spiritual isn’t a religion, it’s just a way of thinking; it’s assumed as a modern belief supported by an inexhaustible enthusiasm and I can tell, that in my experience, spirituality is quite the opposite. 

“God is what we’re all part of and who’s part of each one of us.” 

Alejandro Jodorowsky.

Spirituality is one of the most complex processes I’ve faced ‘cause I believe is the base to connect with our spirit potential that lies in the observation of the causes in order to accept the circumstances the way they are, something that in my religious experience never could do; on one side, in the spirituality I feel like myself, and in religion I feel that I need to pretend and limit myself; in the spirituality I take responsibility and in religion I feel guilty; in the spirituality I understand that my judgements are fears, in religion I understand that my judgements are the defense against what I feel is wrong; in the spirituality I give up to all the people with whom I don’t resonate anymore, in religion I get attached to them for the promises of being together forever; in the spirituality forgiving is understanding, in religion forgiving is not forgetting; in the spirituality there’s unity, in religion there’s division; and even so, none is better that the other, ‘cause everyone choose to believe in what’s best for each person to grow as humans and individuals who are part of the same world.  

If I chose the spirituality was because I got tired of going out from a church and criticize those who supposedly I had forgiven; I got tired of hitting myself in the chest saying that everything was for my fault; I got tired of confessing my sins about the things that were only experiences that helped me to learn; I got tired of listening to a person telling me that I had to be a god person when I wanted to be a complete being; I got tired of believing in the existence of hell and heaven ’cause both dualities are perceptions of my mind; I got tired of suffering without understanding that pain was part of our human experience; I got tired believing that only death could approach me to God, when its presence is always there; I got tired of feeling judged for being myself; I got tired of feeling ashamed of my sexuality without even matter if I decided to practice it or not; I got tired of believing in a system that made me believe in an external God in order to reject him/her in my interior; I got tired of doing the religious cross as a symbol of sacrifice; I got tired of praying to “our father” without giving place to the mother. 

Until today there are many things I still don’t understand about the religious beliefs in which I was raised and the fact that I decided not getting involved anymore in that system doesn’t mean that I love God less or more, it’s just that I perceive its energy different; I’ve found peace when I find myself; I don’t feel guilty for my mistakes I just feel responsible for them; I don’t think that I have to forgive those who offended me but instead, forgive myself for using them to offend myself; I don’t believe that I’m going to hell nor that I will access heaven for being a good or a bad person I only know that my resonance will make me attract the most loving and challenging experiences; I simply choose to make my communion with God, my own religion. 

I respect, honor and accept you; therefore, I just want you to tell you that before you believe in something or not, first ask yourself the religious beliefs you consciously or unconsciously follow; discover behind your religiosity how much you decide to believe in God or not, why do you believe that everything’s your fault or the others, why God has to be a man, why only you have to be good while you condition the evil in the others; why do you have to find God when God is already in yourself, why do you have to ask God for help when you already have it; why do you submit yourself under beliefs where you think you don’t deserve what you want for being a woman, for being poor, for being unfaithful, for being you; maybe it’s because deep inside yourself there’s the resistance of stop believing that God isn’t the one who punishes you but instead, is yourself when you decide not to vibrate from the conscious love, the one that just is, because you prefer to stay trapped in the idea that everything is for your big fault while you wait for the redemption of the Lord you perceive unreachable. 

Love yourself, Shary ChavLó ∞