When we start a relationship our expectations are very high, because we’re giving all our love, dedication, interest, desire, attention to that person and from there, we start to put time to the relationship and the word “always” comes included in our plans.

Recently I talked you about marriage, I told you that human beings insist on establishing relashionships with an expiration date and we swear that it will be ‘til death that love will remain, because only in death both of you’ll have the possibility of saying goodbye to each other.

Remember that when we are in this process of falling in love, we generate bonds of dependence with the other, why? Because when we achieve what seems like the hardest goal that’s to find a couple, our first wish is based on the lacking thought of that person never leaving and we start to relate with the other from possesion but not from freedom.  

In all that attempt and need to have a “secure” relationship we start to generate insecurities which reduce our self-steem and we act conquered by jealousy, that make us believe we are inferior and we are not valuable enough for the other, and in that way, we start to be attacked by our mind that tells us: “is going to leave you”, “surely is cheating on you”, “when he/she is with his/her friends doesn’t pay any attention to me”, “he/she hasn’t called me, I’m sure he/she doesn’t care about the relashionship”, why he/she doesn’t do this, he/she doesn’t love me anymore” etc. All those ideas are the statements you believe and give direction to your relationship and of course, give the real outcome of it.

Don’t worry about the persons of the past
there’s a reason why they didn’t arrive to your future.

Paulo Coelho.

I want you to understand that nobody has the power to abandon us, people only leave our life, because they have the same right as you to move on.

Why hurts so much when the other leaves? We have the bad habit of idealize the others and when our expectations, which I call predictive failures don’t result the way we imagine it’s because we never stopped living a future relationship and we didn’t pay attention to the present, then all that pain comes because all that dependence it’s covered with that huge fear of seeing ourselves alone again, hurts because it seems that a part of you is taken away and with that part, all your memories and promises are gone, but no, have in mind that the person who goes away has the power of bringing back to yourself to remind you that you’ve always been a complete person, because the fact that you are with someone doesn’t mean that’s the half you need to breathe.

If you ever had the chance to read me, you know I’ve always talked you according to the experiences I’ve lived and I try to open my heart and talk to you honestly. Long time ago I made the decision of moving out with one of the most important persons I had in my life, he was my friend who unconsciously I looked as my symbolic couple; in the process of living together several things happened, he decided to walk away and stop talking to me while we were sharing the same space, of course my attitudes towards him were from a side of attachement and his attitudes from a side of arrogance that combination provoked that both of us behave agressively with each other and made the relationship weaken and finally end. I can tell you that experiencing loneliness while you live with someone is one of the most painful states there exist because you live two absences: the first one is the abandonment you chose to give to yourself because your attention goes to the other and you forget about yourself, and the second is accept that the other has gone; that situation impacted me emotionally, mentally and physically, I was sorrounded by sadness, embraced by the hate and resentment towards him and the situation because I didn’t stop feeling broken, but thanks to those emotions that destroyed me I could build myself again, what I want to tell you with this is that allowing to feel our emotions helps us to understand them and gives us the opportunity to choose different states of self-consciousness that allows us to see things the way they are, that consciousness made me to understand all those unconscious programs we had, thus, I could contact with forgiveness and transcend the situation.

When we are in a situation where we feel abandonment, we generate an unconscious guilt and we believe we are guilty for the failure of the relationship and somehow we start using self-punishment, believing that if that person left was because of something we made, and no, both of you have been responsible because each one of you brought patterns to the relationship that both didn’t understand at the moment.

Most of the cases, in a separation our responsabiliy is accepting that we decided to relate with the other from attachement because we believed that person was ours, and our responsability it’s in knowing how we decided to relate with the other and how we decide to live this situation and from which place I will connect with.

I want you to understand that all of this isn’t about love but about the bond which held the relationship together, because like you know, love is your natural state and you have the choice to share it or not, nonetheless, is that bond the one that transformed, and it didn’t transform because love was guilty, it transformed because you and the other person are in different resonance that doesn’t match with who you are today and ironically the most friendly thing is to accept that you and the other are better related apart than together.

Remember when I talked you about losses? I told you that experiencing a loss was living on the fear of never feeling complete again, and our first step is to deny the situation and by consequence reject it, remember that acceptance makes us understand things are the way they need to be, this doesn’t mean that you overlook the pain of that loss, like I said, you are a human being who feels and deserves to live the duel, so I ask you to live that loss without asking yourself, why? Because the answers won’t get at you, believe that you gave the best you could and knew, and maybe you’re not able to see it yet, but I’m sure that finishing that relationship possibly was the best for you, because taking steps forward will help you grow and in the moment you allow yourself to move along, oblivion will meet you on the road.

I’m very satisfied to have known this person and allowed him to enter in my life, and despite that’s not in my plans to see him again, I’m very grateful with him because he gave me the best teachings like: love myself unconditionally, respect and value myself, recognize all the wonderful things I have as a person and as a woman, look for and believe in myself, he made me see that he didn’t took away my love, it stayed with me all along, and it’s only me who has the will to choose the people with whom I can share it, but my biggest learning was to understand that my past only built me but didn’t define me, and you, what did you learn?

Have in mind that part of our evolution is to be witnesses of how people leave because we can’t live conditioned by the others and the others can’t be conditioned by us, being aware of this, I can tell you from now on you’ll start relating with the others from the side of freedom and you’ll live present relationships without letting your mind puts time chains before you, just living the relationship the way it is, accepting the challenges that come, and the things that don’t work for you anymore, just let them go.

You are powerful,
Shary ChavLó ∞