Most of us grew up with stories of grandparents that stayed together all their lives, due to their relationships started since teen years and they got married very young; clearly, at that time the function of men and women was different and more attached to an archaic system, and of course, thinking about divorce was like missing the most strict rules because the pact was supposed to last “until death do us part” and for that reason, it was more important to stay in that social structure than no longer belong to it; now I ask myself: what happened with love back then, it was more lasting?

Recently I talked you about the society we live in, one that makes us believe but doesn’t make us think, think that we are the ones that have to create our own concepts of living; in turn, we are in a society that doesn’t lead us to feel; feel those emotions we generate as a result of the situations we live, that society I talk you about is the one that you, me and all of us are part of, a society in which we unconsciously keep participating and following beliefs that take us away from our own truth.

What I want to say with all of this is that since we were children, we were educated with a system of beliefs which forbade us to say no, we had to remain in silence or not express our emotions for fear of what the others might say, “big girls and big boys don’t cry”; all those limitations with the ones we grew up, conditioned us to not being responsible from our own emotions and didn’t help us to understand them, either; for that reason in our adult life and in our relationships we generate situations that constantly confront us without knowing how to face it.

Love is not just looking at each other
it’s looking in the same direction.

Antoine de Saint- Expéry.

I’ve talked about relationships and told you that the people we meet on our everyday life are part of the mirrors we use to look at ourselves, and in that way know ourselves.

What happens when there are conflicts with our couple? When we are in a couple’s conflict we face something I call a “not accepting situation”, this means that we’re not accepting the situation the way it is because we need to put ourselves in the position of trying to win a discussion where we are not right but we are not wrong either, because your thoughts, emotions and beliefs are not the same as the other who’s confronting you, you are in the state of consciousness from which you decide to act, in the same way, we face a not acceptance of our emotions and if we don’t allow ourselves to understand the feelings we have in the situation we’re facing, much less we’ll accept how the other feels and that moves us away from the empathy, because instead of reconcile with the emotions we feel, we fight with them and by consequence with the others.

If you realize, I always talk about the importance of acceptance, because accepting means surrender, understanding that things are the way they are, it doesn’t mean we’re loosing, it means that neither the other person nor you can control the situation that’s out of your hands, and with this I mean, that the other person can’t and is not his/her obligation to take care of your emotions, those are only yours, the only thing that corresponds to the other is to understand and accept the consequences of his/her own causes.

I want you to understand that there’ll always be moments of tension in our relationships but the others are not the reason of our feelings much less are guilty of our experiences, it’s us in relation to them and all those conflicts are the steps that lead us to grow as individuals, thus, as a couple.

You know that I’m very insistent on talk about love, because for me, love is the most important resonance humans dispose of, and the fact that constant conflicts with your couple exist, that doesn’t mean love is over, that’s impossible, because love is an infinite energy that’s chosen to be shared, the real reason is that you have decided to stop having the will to share it with the other, so let’s stop putting love as the lethal weapon capable to bribe, blackmail, justify, manipulate, or change to save or to end your relationship, because that’s far away from being true love.

If you are one of the persons who live in constant conflict with the person you choose as your partner, before judging and labeling that person, ask yourself: how am I relating with myself in this situation?, why is this situation confronting me that much?, what’s the lesson in this situation? Because all the answers you give, in that way you’re relating with yourself and of course with the other because remember that the other is like you and both teach each other what has to be healed in yourselves, and if you’ve chosen that person so far, it’s because that person is still in the same resonance as you, so I ask you: where is the conflict, with you, he/she or both? Please remember that the others are not the ones who hurt us or make us suffer, we are the ones who use the others to hurt ourselves with the purpose of work and heal those unhealthy patterns that until today have enslaved us.

Give it a try to allow yourself to feel each situation the way it is, understanding with yourself why those emotions emerge within you; forget about dragging those memories of the past because that means you’re not living a present relationship, but an accumulation of memories that come back with the main purpose that you let them go and you can solve what really matters and what you’re facing today, because if you decide to be together, separated or live in constant conflict, it’s a decision both are choosing.

Always have in mind that the conflict will stop being a problem until you take away all the attention you have given to it and understand that there has never been a complication, and then, the solution will come by itself, because you’ll understand that the other is the way he/she wants and decides to be, and you can’t and shouldn’t try to change him/her, because like you, she or he has her/his own processes and both have decided to look, accept and love each other like that and in that way go together, so you can build a more mature relationship.

Accept and love yourself,
Shary ChavLó