In the course of our lives we have came across with lots of relationships in the shape of friendships, family, couples, etc. A lot of those encounters possibly have been grateful and others have confronted us to the point of destroying us.  

All the relationships that still are or have been in our lives, had a specific purpose and most of them are related to our personal encounter that’ll confront us face to face with our self-love; the same, we’ve been taught to search only on the outside.

Why do we have the need of feeling loved? Have in mind that human are dual beings, this means we all have a shadow and a light that gives us balance; one one side, the light connects us with the unity and if we’re connected to it, we’ll feel a complete peace and balance; on the other hand, our darkest part is conditioned by our ego who’s making us believe that we need recognition from the outside. If you realize most of the information you read, listen and see are messages created for the shadow; the songs you normally sing are related to a dependent, painful, deceitful, hurtful and unforgivable love; the things you see are related to your deepest and insuperable fears; the stories you read, describe the results of a society that hasn’t been able to deal with its consequences and looks for the aggressor to whom it can blame, and you, by conviction believe in all that.

This shadow who needs to feel recognized by the outside, materializes the most challenging situations that make it believe that everything it sees, listens and reads is real and in that way, feels conditioned to look its experiences from devaluation until it accepts that the only way to reach balance is through its own internal light.

“Others will respect your limits, if you indicate them where they are.”

Walter Dresel

Since we were children we have been educated to follow models that allow us to adapt to stereotypes we can’t deny, because our consciousness development was on the hands of our parents; that’s why when you went to visit your uncles, friends or other relatives of your parents you had to greet them with a kiss and maybe give them a smile so they could see how divine you were and in that way, you could earn their approval; that memory of adaptation remained printed on our memory and everytime we run into people, we greet them with a kiss thinking that’s the correct way to act.

In that learning process wasn’t the lesson of putting limits and in our adult life that lack of barriers, implies a supposed disappointment of the others to whom by decision we have given the control of us; saying “no” to the others talks about our personal power; empowering ourselves is not about villainy, threat or aggresion, it’s about taking action in a natural way and know how to put limits that involve our self-love; when we’re in a challenging situation is because we’re trying to complete that lack of love with the validation of others.

I want you to know that sometimes we involve ourselves in harmful relationships because we’ve been taught to pick up the leftovers of love that makes us believe that’s fine to continue with a harmful relationship just to save the few moments of happiness this relationship is offering us; the lack of boundaries is related to the stories we tell ourselves regarding the person we had imagined would be with us for the rest of our lives, and for not breaking that illusion which implies limits, we prefer to stay on the dream of a nonexistent future although we know, the reality is promising something different.

Saying no, connects us automatically with the unconscious guilt related to the emotional states of the others, of whom we feel completely responsible; this makes us permissive and we let the others pass through our personal barriers in order to have their approval so in that way they’ll keep loving us; as a consequence of this, our relationships are becoming transgressive and controlling unions.

If you’re in a relationship that makes yourself believe that everything’s perfect but deep inside, you’ve identified situations that don’t make you feel comfortable, you don’t like, you don’t want anymore, you can’t do, you don’t feel motivated about, etc., it’s because life is pushing you to make the decision of establish boundaries without putting your faith in the other’s hands thinking that s/he is going to change for you; those kind of experiences will teach you to say “no more” and from that place you’ll allow yourself to follow a path that’s far away from a relationship that instead of contributing you, it’s hurting and stopping you.

Taking the decision of setting clear limits makes us feel as the “bad ones” of the story and I want you to know that’s not true, saying “no” talks about your emotional potential, stop believing that if you say no, the other will get angry and s/he will abandon you, and if that’s the case, it’s because you have given him/her the power over you and because that person didn’t know how to value you; what you don’t know, is that s/he is making you the great favour of leaving you with yourself; if you quit the job that’s taking your life away, remember that there will always be another to welcome you; if you have relationships that criticize, hurt, judge, despise and humiliate you, they are inviting you to establish limits and let them clear; remember that whoever wants to be by your side is because s/he wants to, not because s/he is forced to.

Have in mind that putting bounderies talks about listening yourself and if you listen to yourself is because you love yourself, stop making yourself believe that the other is treating you like that because s/he is upset, s/he is not having a good day or s/he is in his/her process, because that’s the most transgressor attitude you can have against yourself; because justifying the other who’s crossing a line that s/he shouldn’t, it’s attempting against your integrity; saying no, talks about the freedom that’s not in favour or against, but the one that takes you to a positive state; remember that saying no is also valuable; because the extent of those two letters have will impact in the experiences you choose to manifest in your life, saying no more is the next step to connect with what you really deserve.

I honour you, Shary ChavLó ∞