I’ve never been a woman who goes out on many dates nor have lots of couples; honestly I’ve always had the idea that the person who corresponds to you will show up by divine right in this life or in the following one, and in that process, I’ll keep working in myself without feeling that loneliness is my enemy; I believe this thinking has helped me not to feel pressured about the emotional matter and the few dates I’ve had, I enjoyed them being myself, bringing out the best version of myself and moving away from the need of being perfect in order to conquer; of course, it’s complicated to be separated from the expectations when we’re in front of that significant other who can be “the one”. 

A few years ago I dated a man who wasn’t from Mexico city, he had to return to his birth place and we continued dating on Skype, I’ve never thought that a long distance relationship can’t work, ‘cause I believe that as long as both parts can resonate from commitment they can establish a long term relationship; but it wasn’t my case, like any other relationship everything started from a place of expectations and illusions; of course, time passed and everything took a different direction until the day I received a message with the words that nobody wants to listen much less read, ‘cause no matter if we’re in an accurate relationship or not, our in love ego will always focus on the illusions because it can’t deal with disappointments. 

The message said: “Baby we need to talk, this is not working; it’s not you, it’s me”; my first thought was: “Son of…the divinity” and I can assure you that my vibration was far away from being positive; despite that I felt really upset, deep inside of me I felt relieved so I didn’t allow myself to write him back with a dense vibration, so I decided to wait a little bit so my emotions could take another channel; when I became more aware of the situation I answered him: “I understand and like you said, it’s not me; so I believe it’s important for you to find on your own what’s happening, I thank you for the time we shared together”, months later he looked for me again but I was in another time of my life and my plans were different; in the end, everything turned out in the best benefit of both. 

“You’ll never find the love of your life, because love is not found, it’s built.”

Erich Fromm.

Why do we resist when the other breaks the romance? Remember that the fear of  “not belonging” is higher than the resistance of abandoning a violent relationship or a relationship full of ups and downs because in the process of breaking, multiple factors happen; the first is the belief that there’s another person who wants to take from us what we think belong to us; the second is that we feel we are the cause of the doubts and insecurities the other one feels; the third is that we’re scared to believe that we can be happy in the absence of the other, the fourth is the positioning of the ego who don’t conceive the other as a free being and if there’s no freedom in a relationship, it’ll be a union without a safe future. 

One of the most complex situations to understand is the process to which we submit the concept of love because we normally live it as a conditioning based on the memories of our affective lackings or those habits we learned in childhood, ‘cause we’ve always been lead to believe that love is something we’re going to get from the outside and that makes us feel forced to find a person who can give us a simulated commitment in order to believe that we have fulfilled the highest requirement of inclusion that’s to be next to a person who on many occasions, turns into a complete stranger. 

One of the most common mistakes that happen with our couple is that we want to share everything with him or her; this means, being together all the time, hangin’ out with the same friends, work out together, work together, live together, sleep together etc., at the begining, this feels wonderful because your world only turns around one person and you direct and saturate your love to the same place, but sooner or later, that complicity will become forced and will turn into the worst threat of coexistence; your couple won’t ever be the same as you, this means, that s/he is an individual who has habits and needs which are different from yours; therefore, the most conscious strategy is that both of you stop instisting on changing the others habits in order to mold them your own way, but instead both of you look for the point where you can resonate and understand each other without your differences be the reason of every conflict and the darkness of every benefit; I can assure you that when both of you achieve this, you’ll give yourselves the opportunity to create a wonderful and special relationship. 

Never overlook those red lights for fear of breaking the illusion where you’ve put that significant other; from the very begining of the relationship observe without any judgement or control how much attention the other gives you and observe if s/he is more concerned on pleasing you than on trying to be him/herself ‘cause every conquest ends when victory is reached; put attention in how your date treats the others because eventually you’ll become someone external who will receive the same treatment; stop focusing in how handsome or beautiful s/he is, beauty is an asset in depreciation, so be aware of the human being that’s behind the illusion of your eyes; listen with full attention the words that s/he tells you because among them are hidden his/her programmed beliefs and someday, those limitations will end up by slaving both of you; please when you date or be with someone, live that relationship from the present moment without stagnating yourself in the painful memories of the past nor tormenting yourself for the future that awaits you with that person; when you’re present you have the advantage of noticing everything and you understand that love doesn’t work whithin the standards of time much less, it’s conditioned through the illusion of the non-existence. 

Believe me that there’ll always be someone who wants to be with you; therefore stop investing energy in the person who left, because it doesn’t mean that s/he has abandoned you; quite the opposite, s/he gives you the best gift ever that’s to reflect about the couples you really deserve; if that person asks you for time, give him/her the freedom to have it; and you, give yourself the time to attract a person who can give you his/her commitment and vice versa; if that person you call “the one” tells you “it’s not you, it’s me” take his/her words literally without thinking that there’s something wrong with you, so give him/her the chance to figure it out on his/her own, while you reconnect with yout freedom and allow to find yourself again, ‘cause the gift of being with you, can only be achieved when you reconcile with what you have and not with what you believed made you happy. 

Love yourself, Shary ChavLó ∞