Lately I’ve proposed myself to clean my house and remove all the things that I no longer use, it’s incredible the memories someone can keep without even notice; one of the significant things I found was the movie of “Cinderella”, this movie was one of my favourites when I was a child ‘cause it created in me the illusion of the existence of a prince charming, and also the presence of a fairy godmother who filled the story with hope and magic. 

I believe that the information most women keep in relation to a couple, it’s supported in those fairy tales, specifically the tales about princesses; nonetheless I believe that what’s interesting about these stories is the set of dysfunctionalities that unite them and with which we feel identified, ‘cause what makes us feel attracted to these stories, is the information with which we resonate that’s backed up by the tragedies of the women who are “the victims” of the family and collective beliefs, that until a prince charming appears like a hero who rescue them from their miserable story; this created in us an unconscious wound called the Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White complex. 

Family is the most important core in which we’ll develop emotionally, psychologicaly and spiritually ‘cause our family system is the circle in which we’ll form the most conditonating and unconscious programs of our existence and as long as we belong to that clan we’ll do everything to pertain to it, even if this means to give up to our individual happiness. 

The place where we’ll find the necessary amount of love to learn and experience will be in our family; this means that our clan will be the only one who’ll help us to experience the illusion, lack, excess, limitations and dysfuncionalities there are in relation to be loved, those beliefs will remain printed in our memory and will lead us to the creation of a new clan with the same amount of posibilities and limitations. 

A few years ago a consultant came to me, he started to talk about his couple; he told me that he wanted a formal relationship, but his girlfriend had many conflicts with her family, while he belonged to a normal family; therefore, he didn’t see much future with a woman with problems inside her lineage, so I asked him; did you know that there are two types of families in this world? On one hand, there’s the dysfunctional family where its members unite each other through active violence; on the other hand, is the family that doesn’t know it’s dysfunctional and where its members unite each other through passive aggression; this means that all the families are dysfunctional in some way or another, ‘cause the fact of not allowing themselves to be free in order to stay together is what makes them slaves from it. 

“Even if you have a huge family, give yourself a personal territory, where nobody can enter without your permission.”

Alejandro Jodorowsky.

Unfortunately the rate of family violence has increased during this pandemic; nevertheless, I disagree a little bit with this information ‘cause the family violence has always existed; but it was justified with the need to leave the house to go to work, avoiding any confrontation with origin of the problem, but sooner or later that evasion would come out to the surface, expelled in the worst possible way. 

Why does family violence exist? I came to the conclusion that relationships work through two different ways; 95 percent of them work from the expectations that include the illusions, guilt, jelousy, betrayal, conflicts, violence, lackings, competition, infidelity and blackmailing; all of that is sustained by the promise of a forever with a huge hope that the other will change one day; the other 5 percent works from a reality that includes a present relationship where there’s freedom, equality, consciousness, loyalty and that’s held by a powerful and shared responsability in which both parts assume their causes as their own and stop projecting on each other their lackings through claims and manipulation; in which percentage are you?      

Have in mind that in order to have a family two parts are necessarily required; therefore if two persons attract each other and decide to stay together, inevitably behind each one there’s a family story that’s inherent; by consequence, your couple is equal to your father, siblings and your mother; with the purpose that you can become aware of your beliefs, you can deprogram from the programs with which both of you were educated and overcome the relationship you had with your family system; otherwise, the conflict will turn into a snowball that’ll be viciously tossed between both of you and when this becomes unsustainable, both will use your children as your best punching bag to blackmail, manipulate, hurt and vent your frustrations; nevertheless, the problem will become so huge that the parents, children and the hole family will adapt to an environment that’s based in the constant violence, mistaking it with a love that hurts. 

How to erradicate the family violence? To begin with we need to define what’s violence? Because in the extensive story we tell ourselves to avoid the truth of the facts, we believe that violenting and being violented only means physically assault; nonetheless, when a family system feeds itself through insults and devaluation of the other, we’re talking about one of the worst types of violence that could ever exist that’s putting in the other’s mind our own emotional and existenctial conflicts for fear of solving the real causes of our inner wounds.

When you identify what kind of violence you’re experiencing, you’ll understand that you chose your family for a reason, that’s teaching you the lack of limits you haven’t put as an individual and most of all, the few barriers you’ve put to your family system which like everyone else’s, its’ sick with beliefs that limit us and don’t allow us to be; this doesn’t mean that we have to stop belonging to our family, means that we’re quiting to all those unhealthy situations that no longer benefit us in any type of growth.  

If you live family violence and this quarantine has been the most challenging experience, I believe that it’s time to solve it with yourself ‘cause violence and toxicity are always triggered by the personal beliefs and programs and the other person is just the reflection of what you haven’t transcended about your own system; I understand that the actual situation is complex and possibly you don’t have any place to go and that increases the violence you’re living; but if you are willing to put and end to it, give yourself permission to ask for help, cause when you awake and open yourself to receive support, it comes from where you least expect it, so feel worthy to receive assistance, but if you are used to live with violence, it’s because in reality, you’re trapped in the fairy tale believing that someday you’ll be rescued from the situation you’ve put yourself into; as long as you “belonged to someone”, ‘cause everyday you convince yourself that “the love of your life” will change for you and by free will you’ve programmed your mind with the belief that the more you tolerate any type of aggression, the greater the love and recognition you’ll get from the outside; the same that has make you clear that between both of you there has never been no love at all. 

Be free, Shary ChavLó ∞