Since the beginning of human existence, one of the tools that human created as a survival instinct, was to learn how to communicate, of course, the method of communication has been refined over the years and has allowed us to have conversations that helps us to express what we think and how we feel.

For me, one of the best strategies to communicate with the other person is to remain silent, because that tiny but huge act allows us to hear what the other person wants to express, nonetheless, our perceptions of what we think and believe are the ones that communicate, causing we confuse the reality from the true.

The modern man surrounds himself of infinite possibilities
of communication and paradoxically, is what’s missing the most.

Marcel Marceau.

You know? I’ve reached the conclusion that human beings don’t know how to comminicate because we believe that with the simple fact of giving an answer we are establishing contact, and we’re not, sometimes that attempt to express ourselves is what breakes any kind of communication.

Why can’t we communicate with the others? Because we don’t know how to communicate with ourselves and that’s the base to communicate with the outside, but like I always say, we are part of a world that invades us with a bunch of beliefs and we trust in everything that’s communicated to us, thinking those beliefs are the correct ones, and that, takes us away of our own contact and stops us from asking ourselves: what do I want?, what do I need?, what makes me happy?, how do I feel in the situations I’m experiencing?, who am I? etc. And if you don’t have that communication with yourself, how are you going to communicate with the others?

What happens with couple’s communication? When I talked you about the couple’s conflicts, I told you we faced a “non accepting” situation; that rejection confronts us and we stop listening the other with compassion and start to establish barriers that put us in a state of defense.

This causes a detrimental effect on communication and as time goes by, all the strong areas weaken until we get to the point where communication doesn’t exist anymore, ending in the break up of the couple.

What is to hear with compassion? It’s allowing the other to express without our ego’s intervention who tries to defend himself, listen and accept that things just are, and understand without any judgment what the other feels because somehow you have experienced those feelings as well.

Remember that communication is not about blaming the other and make him/her see his/her faults, because instead of establish a good communication channel, you’ll play a manipulation game that will result silently agressive, making your couple go away instead of wishing to communicate with you.

When we start to communicate with our couple, we stay locked in our own mental cage making the conversation we wanted to have, to become a battle we must win, in that case we’re not longer communicating, we’re attacking; so if you want to get out of your own mental cage start by opening your heart and you’ll start listening to the other.

 Please remember that communication is everyday, it doesn’t matter if it’s your couple or not, communication is essential to contact and relate with each other, the difference in all that contact is the type of communication we choose to have with the others and from which place we look to connect with the others. In the same way, be aware of the intentions of the words comming out of your mouth because they are capable to heal or hurt any person.

I want you to understand that you as everyone else in this planet came with the purpose to experiment freedom, the same that has to be used when we communicate; remember that freedom is being conscious about the limits that freedom involves, this means we can express how we feel without complaining the other is guilty of the emotions I’m choosing to experiment when I’m facing him or her, in the end, you are the responsible of what you think, feel and do, thus, if you desire to communicate do it with your hands free of judgment and not with your sword ready to attack the other because rather than originate an agreement, you will encourage disagreement.

Start by generating communication strategies with your couple without your cellphone or another media be the ones that interpose, and before throwing any comment like: “I texted you, and you saw the message and didn’t answer”, “you answered me very rude, what have I done this time”, “if you didn’t answered me is because you were with someone” etc. From there, you’ll start your first communication contact and it will be based from assumptions that come from the ilusory stories that your mind has told you, because you’re not communicating from a side of freedom with yourself, therefore, you’re not allowing the other to live with freedom, remember that his or her existence doesn’t turn around you, because when the moment of communicating all this arrives, you won’t do it in a compassionate way but in a way of seeking to control.

Remember that a lot of times when we communicate, we look for mistaken ways to do it, remember that to communicate is to find the common denominator with the other about what has to be said, what I mean with this is that if you’re in a situation where you want to say something it’s because you want the other to be empathic with you and he or she expects the same from you, so before communicating make yourself the purpose of understanding the other the same way you want to be understood, without putting yourself the uniform of “I’m right” because none of you are, you just see the situation from different perspectives, and that’s where the magic of communicating lies: understand that the other will take me to another scenario and will open a new vision in me.

Remember that if you are going to communicate something that bothers you or makes you feel uncomfortable, before communicating with the outside, first ask yourself: why this situation is confronting me that much? Because if you communicate without even know that, imagine the result of that contact?

If you are going to communicate all your needs, emotions, wishes, fantasies etc., first discover them you without expecting the other one guess because nobody will know you better than yourself.

Have in mind we are in a society that takes us away from communicating with ourselves, and today unfortunately, we’re choosing different communication media which are connected from agressiveness, indifference, resentment, anger, hate, separation, and all of that, is far away from any communication based on love, so if you don’t have anything better to say connected from that emotion which builds, it’s better to remain silent, because sometimes the best communication is the one that doesn’t have a tone.

With gratitude and service,
Shary ChavLó ∞